


Oh, take me back to the start

by strawberryswig



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Coldplay References, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 04:52:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12124923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryswig/pseuds/strawberryswig
Summary: PLEASE, don't read the story without read this first.NotesI tried my best to get their personality right and to not get away from the videoclip reality. I tried to put the personality of the Louis we all know and the personality of the Harry we all know. But this is fiction. I was able to alter some things.Let’s talk about some serious stuff. This story was written when I was hospitalized in a psychiatric clinic after a suicide attempt. No, I’m not crazy. I think you are big enough to understand that. Yes, I tried to kill myself, was hospitalized and I didn’t have much to do there. The idea came to me, I got my journal and my pens and started to write, and it resulted in what you are about to read.The thing is, as I wrote this in a very sensitive moment in my life, I applied some of my personality to Harry. So, before you start reading I wanna explain that I’m not romanticizing mental illnesses, I want you to know that this Harry from this story is half Harry Edward Styles, born February 1st 1994, United Kingdom and half a reflection of Tiana, born October 17th 1996, Brazil. I felt comfortable to open up through this story in a very fragile moment and I’m sharing it with you, so please, don’t be cruel and said that I’m romanticizing mental illnesses.And, finally, you are not alone.Don't go to war with yourself.Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/Also, please listen to this if you feel lonely https://youtu.be/z9BPMjL44AwSpecial thanksFirst of all, I would like to thank my friend Flávia who dedicated her time to help me translate this story. Since the beginning my intention was for this to be posted in english, but I always get nervous when I know that other people are going to read to what I’m writing in english and for that reason, even though I know the language, the nervousness makes me forget everything, and everything goes wrong. But Flávia held my hand with patience and didn’t let me screw up.I would also like to thank my friends who gave me the courage to post it. I’ve always been very insecure and scared of criticism, but today I’m here for it, so, let them be good or bad criticism, I’ll handle it well. Thank you Stephany, Giullia, Luana, Nathalia, Sabrina, Jessica and João. Without you I wouldn’t have seem my potential and gathered the courage.I would like to thank my mom. Yes, it’s a cliche but I always tell her my ideas and she always encourage me to write it and post it. When I showed her my draft, she said that I needed to post it because it was one of the best stories she’s ever read. Thank you for always raise my self esteem, mom.And, finally, thank you Coldplay. For 10 years I’ve been a fan. And for 10 years this band raises my self esteem. They always made me feel loved and believe in myself. Thank you for seeing in me something special and never discredit me."In you I see someone special"Miracles (Someone Special) - Coldplay, 2017my social networkstwitter: @strawberryswigtumblr: http://inaperfectsymmetry.tumblr.com





	Oh, take me back to the start

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE, don't read the story without read this first.
> 
> Notes
> 
>  
> 
> I tried my best to get their personality right and to not get away from the videoclip reality. I tried to put the personality of the Louis we all know and the personality of the Harry we all know. But this is fiction. I was able to alter some things.  
> Let’s talk about some serious stuff. This story was written when I was hospitalized in a psychiatric clinic after a suicide attempt. No, I’m not crazy. I think you are big enough to understand that. Yes, I tried to kill myself, was hospitalized and I didn’t have much to do there. The idea came to me, I got my journal and my pens and started to write, and it resulted in what you are about to read.  
> The thing is, as I wrote this in a very sensitive moment in my life, I applied some of my personality to Harry. So, before you start reading I wanna explain that I’m not romanticizing mental illnesses, I want you to know that this Harry from this story is half Harry Edward Styles, born February 1st 1994, United Kingdom and half a reflection of Tiana, born October 17th 1996, Brazil. I felt comfortable to open up through this story in a very fragile moment and I’m sharing it with you, so please, don’t be cruel and said that I’m romanticizing mental illnesses.  
> And, finally, you are not alone.  
> Don't go to war with yourself.  
> Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255  
> https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
> 
> Also, please listen to this if you feel lonely https://youtu.be/z9BPMjL44Aw
> 
>  
> 
> Special thanks
> 
> First of all, I would like to thank my friend Flávia who dedicated her time to help me translate this story. Since the beginning my intention was for this to be posted in english, but I always get nervous when I know that other people are going to read to what I’m writing in english and for that reason, even though I know the language, the nervousness makes me forget everything, and everything goes wrong. But Flávia held my hand with patience and didn’t let me screw up.  
> I would also like to thank my friends who gave me the courage to post it. I’ve always been very insecure and scared of criticism, but today I’m here for it, so, let them be good or bad criticism, I’ll handle it well. Thank you Stephany, Giullia, Luana, Nathalia, Sabrina, Jessica and João. Without you I wouldn’t have seem my potential and gathered the courage.  
> I would like to thank my mom. Yes, it’s a cliche but I always tell her my ideas and she always encourage me to write it and post it. When I showed her my draft, she said that I needed to post it because it was one of the best stories she’s ever read. Thank you for always raise my self esteem, mom.  
> And, finally, thank you Coldplay. For 10 years I’ve been a fan. And for 10 years this band raises my self esteem. They always made me feel loved and believe in myself. Thank you for seeing in me something special and never discredit me.
> 
> "In you I see someone special"  
> Miracles (Someone Special) - Coldplay, 2017 
> 
>  
> 
> my social networks  
> twitter: @strawberryswig  
> tumblr: http://inaperfectsymmetry.tumblr.com

It was a cold night, those where the sheets stick on the floor.  
\- Harry! Hurry up! We're gonna be late! - yelled Louis downstairs.

Harry was always late. He never decided what to wear or how to fix his damn hair. While Louis dressed very fast, probably because anything the boy dressed looked perfectly fine on him. He was the type of person who would pick an ugly clothe and make it look beautiful and amazing, so it was easy to take the first look in the closet and dress it.

Today they're gonna celebrate Harry's birthday. Louis wasn't excited - in other words, Louis didn’t have good feelings since the previous day but he didn't say or demonstre anything. He was committed to make his boyfriend's birthday an amazing day since the boy opened his eyes on this cold morning in February 1st and was received with a breakfast in bed with a note:

Honey you are a rock upon which I stand and I come here to talk I hope you understand. The green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you and how could, anybody, deny you?  
Happy birthday, my curly boy  
Always in my heart. Yours sincerely, Louis 

Harry smiled with watery emerald green eyes before envolve Louis in a hug and then, slowly, started to kiss him.  
\- I love you, Lou. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for when I feeling I'm running out of road, you bring me home.  
\- I love you too, Hazza.  
Harry started to kiss Louis again and slowly put his hands under Louis' shirt but a few seconds later the gentle movements became rapid movements and Harry took Louis' shirt who didn’t linger to do the same with Harry's shirt. In a few minutes the two boys were totally with their clothes off and kissing, like in that moment, they kissing and making love, and the weak sunlight entering to room was anything that mattered.

\- Harry! Everybody must be already there waiting for us, for God’s sake!  
\- I'm here! - say Harry on top of the stairs. He was wearing a black skinny jeans, his suede boots, a grey shirt that he used to stay home (typical of Harry) and a black leather jacket. His curls fell perfectly over his shoulders. - You hurried me up for nothing or we can go?  
\- I was looking at how idiot you look in your pose like ‘I live for the applause, applause, applause’  
Harry rolled his eyes and laughed before going down the stairs and picking up the keys on the counter and swaying it in his fingers.  
\- Let's go? - said Harry, leaving a kiss on Louis' lips before Louis took the keys off of Harry's hands.  
When Louis turned off the house’s lights, the bad feeling he felt that morning came back but stronger. Everything inside him hurts and he just wanted to call for Harry, who was already in the car, and just search romantic comedies on Netflix and see what they find. Louis would accept to watch The Notebook. Harry loves that movie. Louis hates it. But Louis prefer this over going out with his sixth sense telling him to Stay. Home.  
\- Lou? - screamed Harry in the car.  
\- Oi oii! I was checking if I locked everything.

 

Harry was talking and smiling too much. Harry was a very, very, closed person. He suffers with anxiety and depression. In the past, he was a very communicative kid. He did theater, he had many friends, loved to talk and make new ones, but some traumas happened and Harry became a very closed person. He still is very shy and has some difficulty to make friends and talk in public - except when he drinks. Now, with therapy and help, he’s a lot better, but he still has his dark days. But today he was very talkative and smiling. He is like this when he’s close to people he loves and trusts or when he's very excited. Louis knows it was for both.  
Today they're going to karaoke. Harry loves karaoke but is ashamed, so he was thinking about the tequila he’s going to drink before start to singing.

\- Niall texted saying he has already arrived - said Harry.  
\- See? I told you! I told you we're gonna be late  
\- Nah! He arrived early! Liam and Zayn aren't there already.  
\- Zayn is probably fucking with his boyfriend and Liam... Liam... Must be walking the dog and posting on his Instagram.  
Harry laughed loudly like he always do when Louis said anything, as dull as it may be.

The pendrive started a Coldplay sequence. It was Harry's pendrive, obviously. Harry increased the volume and started to sing louder and while he sang, Louis started to have flashbacks.  
Louis remembered of this morning, when he brought breakfast on bed for Harry.  
He remembered the first day when they moved in together to two-room apartment and after that when they got to move to a bigger and more confortable house. But in this house, one day, Louis woke up and found Harry unconscious after he took too many pills. Louis remembered him driving so fast to the hospital and, Louis has no religion but, he prayed for anyone who were listening and when Harry woke up Louis was there to see him and Harry cried and apologized, saying he didn't die, he wasn't lost to Louis, but he wanted to make the pain stop. Louis hugged Harry and cried, saying that he should never apologize and that he understood his pain and would always be there with him.

Louis remembered how he and Harry used to always fight together. For anything. They did had bad moments, in many ways Speaking financially, for example, - today they're fine, thank you, but - they had days when they would pay the rent or buy Harry's medicine and their food. They conquered their good financial position working hard, but separately. They have, each one, their own job, their own career. When they started their careers, one never interfered in the other's lives. Each one have their job and live financially independent now.

Louis remembered how it was to win Harry over since he was very shy, but Harry fell in love first and Louis took a while to realize that he loved Harry too.  
Louis felt the need to live those things again. To go back to the start because every single moment with Harry was amazing. Even the bad things. It seemed like he had entered a time machine and was living backwards his moments with Harry. Like in a Doctor Who episode.  
His daydream was interrupted by Harry screaming "I love this song" and increasing the volume.

Harry was singing The Scientist with his whole heart, his eyes closed, his head slightly tilted back and and a crooked smile on his face. He does this. He sings smiling and it was Louis' weakness.  
\- This jacket is very hot - said Harry while taking off his seat belt. The boy placed the jacket on the back seat and settled on his seat again.  
\- I'm going back to the start! - yelled Harry along with the song on the radio.

It was the last thing Louis heard before seeing Harry being thrown by the front glass and the car rolling over into the ravine.


End file.
